Cureless

If I had barely understood my lament stated in the post prior to the post before this post, now I totally don’t understand myself. I’m not sure if it only needs to breathe and see the light at the end of this long windy tunnel of emotions.

Why do I, all of a sudden, feel guilty now that I refused something, which doesn’t even badly need me? No, I’m not talking about the organization. This is something else.

There I understand. Perhaps I just really want to try out everything I can do. And not being able to do so slumps me into this whole mood of depression. I haven’t learned to let go. I must.

When I was younger my grandma has often bashed me for being so “eager to please”. She used this exact phrase - Labi mo ka “eager to please”. (You’re so eager to please). Being a kid, I thought she was only referring to my way of inviting my friends to play at our house, eat some afternoon snacks, etc.

I’ve forgotten all about this until my decision about choosing the “real job” came.

I realized that I’m still this “eager to please” person after all. I was hearing that phrase from grandma when I was in grade school. Of course, there was no one anymore to tell me that I’m “eager to please” when I was in college.

This “eager to please” thing, I think is what enslaves me. It’s not easy to feel guilt, especially when you’ve tried so hard, so that you won’t feel it.

I feel bad when I’m not able to “please”.

I must let go of it, and think that I wasn’t born to please others. Not everyone out there anyway is bound to be pleased by me.